by Rod Hilton, Total Film, Spring 2003

Fade in: int. log cabin (Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis and Timothy Olyphant enter and enjoy extended protagonist banter. A fat guy then walks in.)

Fat Guy
Hi, fellas! I will proceed to fart incessantly. This is a very good wa to start a horror film.

Damian Lewis
Welcome. My friends and I possess psychic abilities given to us by a retarded kid when we were young. No, seriously.

Jason Lee
I am the funny guy in the group. That means I will die.

Timothy Olyphant
I'm very boring and I seem kind of stupid. Ironic for someone with superior mental powers, eh?

Thomas Jane
I'm the least quirky, so I am probably the main protagonist.

(Suddenly, the fat guy craps a large slug out of his anus, which kills Jason.)

Audience
(Falling out of seats) Ha, ha! Holy shit! That's hysterical!

Director Lawrence Kasdan
What? No, this is scary.

(Damian is attacked by a ridiculous CG monster, who takes over his body. The audience passes out with laughter.)

Int. secret government trailer (Morgan Freeman attempts to act menacing with Tom Sizemore.)

Morgan Freeman
Looks like the aliens have landed here in Maine.

Tom Sizemore
Aliens? We've got psychics, buttslugs and now aliens and a secret government agency? Don't you think we're pushing it?

Morgan Freeman
No. Later, Thomas Jane is going to speak into a gun as if it's a phone -- and he'll actually have a conversation using it.

Ext. the woods (Evil Damian sits astride a snowmobile in a wholly unintimidating manner.)

Damian Lewis
(Inexplicably affecting posh English voice) Pip-pip! I rather fancy the idea of infecting the water supply, what-what! Cheerio!

Thomas Jane
We're in trouble! Only one person can save us now. (Pause) Donnie Wahlberg. (Pause) Seriously.

(Thomas grabs Donnie Wahlberg and takes off towards other parts of Maine.)

Thomas Jane
Where's Damian, boy? Come on, where is he?

Donnie Wahlberg
(Cryptic drivelling)

Thomas Jane
The water supply? The evil alien plans to infect our water supply, thereby ensuring our planet's doom? We've got to stop him! Good boy, Donnie!

Int. water supply (Thomas Jane and Donnie enter to see Damian fucking with the water supply. Suddenly, Damian turns into an enormous untextured computer model. In response, so does Donnie. They fight.)

Audience
Wow! Somebody actually made this movie. Then released it.

(Donnie wins, but is killed in the process. Everyone is safe!)

Thomas Jane
We did it, Damian! We saved the world from having to die the most absurd death imaginable.

Damian Lewis
Yeah, except that all those people back at the military camp have to die. Besides, Morgan Freeman implied these things keep coming back, so really nothing's been accomplished.

Thomas Jane
Nothing's been accomplished? We got Donnie Wahlberg killed! He was one of the New Kids!

Audience
So what did any of this have to do with the bleedin' dreamcatcher?